Life.. It could be worse.. but..

Given the state of unfortunate events in the lives of friends and family, I've got it really easy.

But who cares about that, right? This is about me!

I try to not be so self-centered. Is it possible to be selfish AND self-centered? I think so. But I am not. I want to do things for others.

I still have a little of that desire to help others that I've had for a long time.

Despite people being disrespectful, inconsiderate, ignorant, and unappreciative, I still want to help people.

Notice above I said I had "a little" of that desire. Most of it is gone.

I wanted to stay in the medical field when it came to my career. My latest interest was being a Scrub Tech, and just like the other ideas I get almost week to week, it is fading away too.

I don't know what I want to do right now. It's a terrible feeling.

Strangely enough, I still think about majoring in Journalism. It's the only thing I know........ Okay, I'm not for sure on anything.

This goes back to my theory on being happy by living a meaningless existence. That's what I do now. Unless you count the happiness I bring to my husband and my hedgehog, my life has really no strong purpose or true meaning.

I get up, go to work. I haven't "done" my hair. I didn't do all the special things needed to wear my contacts. I have simply rolled out of bed, bathed, threw on clothes, spent a minute or 2 tending to Saffie and out the door to work, where....

I sit at a desk a majority of the day. Lots of times I'm just trying to look busy. But I like my job, I've got a sweet deal here.

Sometime in the afternoon, when I feel ready, I go to the gym. Bathe again.

Work/look busy a little longer. Go home, cook/have dinner, spend time with husband and hedgehog. Go to bed.

Repeat.

I like to think I'm happy. I have fun. But sometimes it feels like something is missing.

I want to go back to school. I think that's why my mind changes all the time. Deep down, I'm just hungering for knowledge.

I'm still interested in going to church. I can go with a friend from work, but I'm afraid I may not like it. I will be on my own in a search for one that I like if I'm not comfortable with hers. If I could get to church, I'd like to see if that calms the burning desire for knowledge at college.

What am I waiting for? Husband says I can do whatever I want.

But I feel like I need guidance. Whether it's from spouse, or a higher source....

I feel like I need to be put in the right direction again. Witnessing so much unfortunate things happen every day has REALLY jaded me. I used to not be so judgemental and irritable about so many things. I think it all started when I was a Medical Assistant. I got to see the true colors of a lot of people and it altered my perception.

Or it could just be called "growing up," or finally making it into the "real world."

The real world sucks.

See what I mean? I don't want to be like this when I'm 35. And I"ve been EXTREMELY irritable and angry the last few days and it can't be PMS.

I'll keep you posted on "The Search for Something."