What is wrong with me?
I spend a substantial amount of time job hunting on the internet. I frequent Craigslist A LOT. I check HotJobs, the Star-Telegram, the Denton Record-Chronicle daily. This has been happening the past 2 weeks. I've sent out resumes to 5 or 6 different locations with really only 2 who have real potential to respond.
But I like my job now. I have like, zero supervision. My boss is in another building across the street and never comes by to say "hi." The person I'm a secretary for is out until the end of this month.
I go to the gym whenever I want pretty much because it's just down stairs. I can eat something decently healthy from the cafeteria for dirt cheap (everyday, if I wanted to). My husband works here too and we carpool. I've been here over a year and a half and have great relationships with a ton of people. I can stay moderately busy, but I do a lot of net surfing. I'm pretty much just a ghost around here.
Sounds like a sweet deal, right?
Then why do I keep looking for another job?
Another thing is, I totally freak out when I think about having to interview and possibly taking another job.
One place called me back yesterday and I had to return the call this morning. You'd think I was about to jump out of a plane the way my heart was going. I immediately felt uneasy in my stomach. My part-time IBS kicked in.
I won't lie, I would feel HORRIBLE when I tell my boss and my "other" boss that I was leaving. I would feel ASHAMED to tell the woman that helps me all the time with this job (who I took on this portion of HER job so she could not be so overwhelmed) that I was leaving and she would be picking up my slack (assuming I would not still be doing this part-time). And I also am immediately plotting what I will do when things don't work and I come crawling back here wanting a second chance.
Maybe it's anxiety. I should reschedule my appointment for that study....
I just don't understand myself. They say no one will ever be able to understand women, and it's true, because I can't even begin to do it.
I'm happy here. Where am I going? What should I do to stop this vicious cycle?
Another stupid thing is that I want to dress up every day. I’ve lost like 16+ pounds in 3 months, so I’m feeling better about myself and I want to wear nice clothes and not have to hide behind unflattering scrubs so often. I could do that here if I would just DO IT. Sure, having to change because I’m going to the gym would be sort of a nuisance, but I could work something out (like put on scrubs after I shower after the gym in the middle of the day). Call me a girl, but I like to play dress-up.
Anyway, in the event of an interview, I guess I could go and see what happens. I shouldn’t worry about the aftermath unless I’m completely IN LOVE with the prospective new job because, I now realize, I really like it here.
Friday, February 1, 2008
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