New thoughts..

Lately, I've started thinking I need some guidance. I want some purpose. I like my job, but I'm constatly looking for another job. I want to volunteer and help the community. I guess I lack that one shred of motivation to finally make the step to do it.

I told my husband about my thoughts, and he suggested I read the book "The Purpose Driven Life." Automatically, I said, "that's a religious book."

I went looking for books on Life and Guidance. I found one, in addition to "The Purpose Driven Life" that I'm interested in.

I also ran across a book called "God Is Not Great," which seems pretty interesting. I'd like to read it just for curiosity's sake. But I'm so confused! What do they call this? When you don't know what you want to be, a Christian or not? Agnostic? I don't know....

My husband has called me an athiest before. I don't think I am. I still believe. If I didn't I wouldn't have prayed every night when I was a teen. I never say "damn" preceeded by "God." I have a small glimmer of interest in finding a church to go to, not only for worship and meeting people, but for the community of it and helping others. But it seems like finding a church that isn't so abrasive, scary, overbearing, and NOT resembeling one of society's finest galas complete with a popularity contest.

Is this me saying I want to go to church? I should talk with the spouse....

That's another thing. My husband and I rarely talk about religion seriously. Sometimes, we'll question those Christians who tragically lose themselves for whatever reason (cheating on spouse, driving like a maniac, being a total hypocrite). And we're careful of those drivers who have the fish symbol (I know, the fish have a name and meaning) on their vehicle.

I've considered the pros and cons. If I choose to be a "believer" but not read Christanity-based books that may help me, what will I lose? If I choose to continue to be blind about God and religion and what my purpose and guidance is, what will I lose? What will I gain? If there isn't a God and there isn't a heaven, and I chose to believe that, what will I lose? I guess, in the end, I will be suprised.

Can I honestly be happy as an athiest or non-believer or truly and honestly "secular?"

Most people that go to church and have God in their lives seem happy. Those that believe in God and have a purpose and have that hope in their hearts are happy.

But I don't want to be a "follower," in the sense that I'm just doing something that "everyone else" does. I want to still be a private person. I don't want to drop religion into almost every conversation I have, even if somewhere it says I'm really supposed to in order to be a "Good Christian."

If I go to church and am a believer and you aren't, that's okay with me. You are free to think, do, and say whatever you want.

If I died tomorrow, who would do my eulogy? I don't really have anyone except a family member to do it.

Tonight, spouse and I had a conversation about this and we'd like to research which church we may want to attend. I'm about to get "The Purpose Driven Life" in Audiobook form.

AND.. hopefully dear Spouse will redirect doublewidediaries.com to this page. Yay!